Thursday, June 7, 2012
I'm Still Alive!! (Con't)
Hey everyone I said I would try to blog more tonight so here I am blogging. I want to continue to talk about accepting myself where I am and how I look. As I stated this morning Tonia and I talked about this in our training session on Tuesday. She was shocked that I was disappointed or frustrated with myself. She couldn't understand why I was disappointed. I can't really explain it. I see myself and I know that I look good compared to what I looked like 11 months ago but I still see that fat girl. I still see a girl that is not where she wants to be or where she should be and that frustrates me. Next month, July 31st to be exact will be my 1 year mark of starting my new life and my journey. I can't believe that it has already been almost a year. So much has happened and I have changed so much. So why can't I accept that and embrace it? I don't know if I can really answer that. I have to be honest and say that thoughts of going the opposite direction and becoming anorexic or bulimic have crossed my mind and that scares me. I was talking to one of my friends that I met here the other day and she asked me what keeps you motivated and what keeps you from gaining the weight back. My response was because I don't want to let my family down and I don't want to go back to the way it was. But I think it's more than that. I know that I am just one bite away from blowing it. I know that if I give up or if I take just one bite of something that is not good for me I can go back to my old life and that freaks me out so much. My body doesn't like to lose weight but it does like to gain weight so I know how easy it would be and how short it would take for me to gain all my weight back and I just don't have the energy or the motivation to start all over again. My family has told me that they are concerned that I am too conscience of my weight and are concerned about me going to far. There is a fine line but what is that fine line? Finding a balance is not an easy task. I can't let go of this image that I have and want to be. Will I ever get to there? I do have to say that I was showing a guest this afternoon a picture of me when I went to Utah in January and I guess I have to say that I do look like I have lost more weight. That's hard for me to admit. I can talk the talk and tell people to not give up and to believe in themselves and all that but when it comes to walking the walk and believing it for myself that is another story. That is what I want to work on while I am here. Really accepting myself and believing in myself. Knowing that it's going to be alright. I am obviously doing something right. If I can give up smoking and drinking 17 years ago then I can learn to give up my obsession to food. Well, it's getting late and I am exhausted so I am going to sign off for now. I hope that this inspires at least one person. Sometimes I feel like I just babble on and make no sense at all. Until next time, keep on keep'n on.