Getting Closer To My Goal

Hey everyone. I know it's been about a week or almost a week since I blogged last and I am so sorry that I haven't. The only excuse I am going to say is that I have been EXHAUSTED. I made it to the Utah Resort on Sunday and have been here all week. It has been so fantastic to see everyone again. When I came here the end of January for my week I was not in a very happy place. It was really tough to be here and I wanted to leave and go back to Malibu so bad. I am happy to say that even though I miss everyone in Malibu and I miss California like crazy, I am so anxious to get home and see everyone and to see my babies. It seems like I have been gone for forever when it has only been a month. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed and be in my own home. I feel like so much has passed me by with my family and friends back home with me being gone. In a sense I feel disconnected and like I'm looking in a window from the outside and it saddens me. This trip has been AWESOME and I am so glad that I did it, but it's been hard being away from my family and friends this time. Something very interesting happened to me today. If you know anything about my family or me one thing you know is that we are a very close knit family and love each other so much. We have our problems and our issues but we don't let the issue or the problems come between us. We work hard to keep most of the drama out of our lives. Well, I met with the Life Coach, Jen Morton, here at the Resort this afternoon for an appointment and we were talking about my body image and "all or nothing thinking" and how it doesn't work when it comes to losing weight. I had mentioned to her that I have this image in my mind of what I want to look like when I get to my goal and she asked me what that looked like. I said that I guess in a way I compare myself to my sister and I want to look like her. I showed her a picture of my sister. Now my sister is 2 1/2 years older than me and about 5 inches taller than me and has never had a weight problem. She then asked me how long I have been comparing myself to her and how long was I going to continue to compare myself to her? Which was a great question. I never thought of it that way. I didn't realize that I was still doing that. How sad is that and how stressful is that? My sister and I have always been pretty close. But I have always felt a competition between us when it came to my weight. I know that my sister doesn't want anything more than me to be healthy and happy. It's me that is causing that competition and strife. I can almost guarantee that my sister has know Idea that I feel this way or have ever felt this way. That was a big deal for me to figure out today. Maybe I can ease up on myself and let myself be me now and stop comparing myself to others. Letting go of the expectation that I have to perform a certain way or lose a certain amount of weight to be happy or content. In reality, I don't think even when I get to my goal which is only about 10 or 15 pounds I will happy with that and satisfied with that. Reality for me is that if I continue to think the way that I have been thinking and comparing myself to my sister or to others that I won't ever be happy with my life. So I am going to work on learning to love myself in the moment and loving myself because I deserve to be loved. Jen also said that I should think about changing my goal and going down to 130-135 and then seeing how I feel from there and concentrating on lowering my body fat percentage. So this has been a fantastic day of discovery for me. I am so grateful for all that has been shown to me and will continue to be shown to me.