Well, good evening all. I can honestly say I don't know how to start this off tonight. It's been a week since I last posted. Time flies when your having fun, right? Well, then what happened here because I can tell you that I haven't been having that much fun. When I started this blog back on July 31, 2011 I agreed to be honest, transparent, real, and vulnerable. That hasn't always been easy for me. It's not easy for me right now. Yes, I have gotten better with sharing my feelings and reaching out and asking for help, but I do have to say I still struggle with that. So I am here to say I am going to try to be as honest, transparent, real & vulnerable here tonight as I can.
When I decided to leave Malibu and BLFR 3 weeks early, I was scared, confused, sad and lost. I knew that when I got home that it was going to be difficult for me to leave Spokane and finish my time at the resort. I knew that there were going to be "road blocks" that were going to get in the way. I didn't want to come home. Spokane doesn't seem like home to me anymore. I feel like a lost puppy trying to find her way home. Well all those things that I just mentioned have come true. I don't know when or if I will make it back to the resort. That upsets me. I have to be honest and say I have struggled being home. Not just emotionally and spiritually, but also mentally and physically. I have to force myself every single day to get up and get my butt to the gym. I'm hoping that one day, I can be content and happy with my life again. I know that I have accomplished so much in the past 6 1/2 months. I know that I am not the same person I was when I left on July 31, 2011. I need to learn to love working out again. The days of not worrying about anything except exercising and losing weight and learning to love myself and forgive myself are over.
Well I have made a commitment to myself that I won't weigh myself except 1 a week. That day is on Saturday or Sunday. So Saturday morning I got up and weighed myself and I was up 3.6 lbs. Talk about FREAKING out. That was me. It scared me so much. One of my greatest fears is gaining all my weight back. I know that the scale doesn't define me and the number shouldn't matter, but when I saw 3.6 lbs up, my fear of gaining my weight started coming true. Last week I really struggled with working out. All the old excuses of why I couldn't get to the gym started rolling in. If I didn't have a commitment with my trainer on Monday, Wednesday, & Fridays, I probably wouldn't have gone to the gym at all last week. That would have been two weeks of not going to the gym. Not good. Today was a good workout. I burned almost 1000 calories in two hours. I worked really hard and pushed myself. Well, I hope everyone is doing great and everyone is healthy and happy. May God bless all of you.
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