Friday, January 13, 2012
Sometimes You Just Need To Reflect & Look Back Over Time
Hello family and friends. Hope all is well with you all. So much to talk about tonight. I have been reflecting a lot on my journey here at the BLRFR. I have said this many times and I will continue to say it over and over again. I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. This journey has been a lifesaver. It has literally saved my life. But in saying that, it is also not an easy journey to do. I have been here for 6 1/2 months with only two small breaks. People ask me all the time, how do you do it for so long? How do you not go crazy? Well, I hit that breaking point this week. I woke up on Monday and I was feeling wonderful. I had missed three 1/2 days last week because I was sick. So I was feeling rested and ready to kick it hard. I went on the hike Monday morning and was doing AWESOME. Keeping a pretty good pace with the rest of my group. I was every once in a while having a problem with my right knee but not to bad. We get to the top of the mountain that we were hiking. It was called Backbone Latigo. We started heading down the mountain to head back to the van and my knee decided that it had enough. It started giving out. It got so bad that I didn't think I was going to make it back down the mountain. So one of the Hiking guides, Mike decided that I shouldn't push it and called ahead to another hiking guide and had them call the resort to come get me off the mountain. Not fun. I had to climb back up the mountain part way to get to the van. TJ, our hiking manager came and got us. I thought Mike was going to have to carry me off the mountain. I saw Dr. Ray, our Chiropractor that night. He adjusted me and said that I have lost so much weight so rapidly that my body is trying to adjust itself and it's moving out of alignment. So I took Tuesday off from the hike and stayed back and did the gym. Still had problems with my knee on Tuesday so I saw Dr. Ray again. He told me that he wanted me to take another day off from the hike. So Wednesday I informed TJ that I wasn't going to hike again that day. I was already having an emotional day Wednesday because I was worried about my cat being left in my Condo all by herself for 6 weeks with only someone coming and checking on her a couple times a week. That's a whole other situation. TJ mentioned to Micaela, our Program Director that I wasn't going to hike again. Micaela asked me why I wasn't hiking and I told her because Dr. Ray wanted me to take off one more day from the hikes. She asked me if Dr Ray was my Program Director? I said no. She then proceeded to say that she would talk to Dr Ray, but Dr. Ray didn't dictate or say if I hiked or didn't hike. That he needed to let her know and discuss it with her. That pissed me off to no end. I lost it. That pushed me over the edge. I hit my breaking point. I just couldn't handle it anymore. Everything was piling on top of me. I decided that I needed to take a break. That I needed to go home and get my mind and body refocused. So I am banking 3 weeks of my stay and leaving on the 22nd of January and heading home for a couple of weeks. I am scheduled to go to Utah on February 12th for a week or two. I will then decide when I am going to do my last two or three weeks here in Malibu. So today I had another break down. I had a very emotional day. I started second guessing my decision and freaking out about going home. Reality is starting to hit that I have to go home and do this in real life. Will I be successful, will I be able to do this on my own? This is my security, my support, and where my heart is. I know this place isn't going anywhere and all the staff and trainers and everyone else is here for me, but it's not going to be easy. These last few days have been hell and haven't been easy, but they have shown me how strong I have become. In my past, when something like this would happen, I would run, I would give up. I hate being vulnerable and raw, but that is where God can work and does work the most. I know that it will all work out for the best, but I hate not knowing. I don't do change well. Next week is going to be a hard week for me, but I know I can do it. I will post again before I leave the Resort. I forgot to mention that there was good that came out of this week today. I lost 1.8 pounds this week bringing my total to 71.6 pounds. I met my goal of 70 pounds before I left to go home. YAY!!!! for me.