California Bound

Hello family and friends. Well the time has finally come for me to head back to the Resort. I am leaving early tomorrow morning to drive back to the resort in Malibu for 3 weeks and then I head to Utah for a week before heading back home. I have so many emotions regarding returning to the resort. Part of me is really excited and ready to head back and kick it in high gear again and the other part of me doesn't want to return. Every time I start to think about going my stomach starts churning and I start freaking out. I don't know why I am so nervous. I know what to expect and know what is going to happen. I know how hard it is going to be but I am still scared. I know I need this. I mentioned in my last blog that I started a Cleanse/Challenge and was hoping to lose 20 -25 pounds by the time I left tomorrow. Well, that didn't happen. I actually ended it 4 days early because I got sick. But I have also been eating stuff I shouldn't be eating. I have been leaning towards old habits and not really caring. I think it's the stress of all that has been happening and getting ready to leave. I need to get refocused and demotivated again. I'm hoping to make it to California by Saturday night. We shall see. Since coming home the end of January I have gotten complacent and comfortable and have forgotten or chosen to forget why I am doing this. I have lost my passion for living my new lifestyle. I want that back. I am looking forward to getting that back. I have gained a whole new respect and appreciation for my family though. They have encouraged me, pushed me, and loved me through this whole process and continue to do so. I love them more that I can express. Well, I promise to blog as much as I can while at the resorts. I can't promise it will be every night but it will be at least 1 a week. Thanks everyone for all of your prayers, support, encouragement, and love. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful friends and family.

Random Thoughts

Wow!!!! It has been a month since I last blogged. I can't believe it's been that long. So much has happened since I last blogged. I mentioned in my last blog that I was feeling unmotivated and frustrated and wanting to give up. Well, I still am not very motivated but I don't want to give up as much. A few weeks ago my mom's cousin had a massive heart attack and died. He lived for about a week or so after his heart attack but never really came to. He was so active and full of life. He was healthy and ate pretty healthy also. It just shows life is so fragile and we aren't guaranteed tomorrow. Tomorrow we are having a family memorial for my grandmother. I miss her so much. I have really struggled with her death. It seems kind of unreal that she is actually gone. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and expressing to her that I was struggling with her death and why I think I was. I think why I am struggling so much is because my grandmother so wanted to see me happy and healthy. She wanted me to lose weight and encouraged me to lose weight for so many years and she will never see me with my weight gone until I see her in heaven. In some ways I feel like I have let her down. I disappointed her. I know that she loved me and was proud of me but I just wish she would have been able to celebrate with me my accomplishment. I will be heading back to the resort in Malibu on June 1st for 3 weeks and then to the resort in Utah for a week. So in preparation for that I decided to do a 24 day Challenge/Cleanse. I started last Friday so I'm on day 8. I have lost 8 lbs so far. I do have to say it has been hell. I am starving all the time, have had a major headache for the last 5 days and have no energy. I hope that I can last another 2 weeks. But if I can clean my system out and get a little closer to my goal weight, I'm all for it. I haven't drank so much water in my life. I have been drinking a gallon of water a day. Yes I said a gallon. I am anxious for it to be over though. I am really starting to freak out about going back to California. In a lot of ways it feels a lot like when I first went last July. I don't know why I am so anxious. I am excited to see all the staff again, but part of me doesn't want to go. I'm anxious on what they are going to think. Have I lost enough weight, have I been successful, etc. Will I disappoint them. Sometimes I wish I could predict the future. That I could write my own story. Well, I hope that everyone has a fantastic Mother's Day and remember to celebrate your mothers. Be grateful for all the sacrifices that she has made for you.

Where I have been, Where I am now!!

I need to learn that when I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about things and what I should blog about I need to just get up and blog right then and there. Instead of thinking "Oh I can remember what to say" and then kicking myself because when I go to blog later & I can't remember what to say. This happened to me just the other day. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about my journey and what I have been through and instead of getting up and blogging about what I was feeling and what I wanted to say, I turned over and went back to sleep. So here I am trying to think about what it was that I wanted to say. It has been 9 short months since I started my journey and so much has happened & I have accomplished so much. But do I see myself as being successful and do I see the accomplishments? Yes and no. I know that I have accomplished a lot and I have changed my life for the better, but when I look at myself in the mirror or look at my body I still see a fat person. I see loose skin hanging all over, I see bulges everywhere. Instead of looking at the positive and celebrating what I have accomplished, I still turn to the negative and pick apart myself. Will I ever be able to accept and embrace and love my new me? It really doesn't seem like it. I want instant results. I have this image in my mind of what I want to look like and think that when I get to that image I will be happy and content. How sick is that? I have people -family & friends that have known me and knew me when I was heavier say to me all the time, "Karen, you look amazing and fantastic, you must feel so good?" "I'm so proud of you and what you have accomplished." "You inspire me so much". But in my mind I think "Oh they are just saying that to make me feel good." In fact my oldest nephew who is 25 hasn't seen me since October when I came home for the first time from the resort and who hasn't seen me this small since he was a baby and doesn't remember that because he was too young walks into his mom and dads house on Sunday where we all met to have lunch for Easter together and looks at me and says "Oh my Gosh, you look fantastic, I haven't seen you in like a year and you look amazing." Just the look and reaction I got from him made my day, but I just blew it off. I guess what I'm trying to say is I just wish I could be happy with where I came from and where I am now. I don't feel like I have changed that much, but I have. I am doing things that I would never have even imagined doing a year ago. I am eating things I would never imagine eating a year ago. I am exercising more than I ever imagined I would ever exercise even though it's not as much as I would like. I have really been struggling the last couple of weeks with wanting to continue this journey. I have really just wanted to "be done with it" and give up. How easy it would be to just go back to my old way of eating and not exercising. It kind of really scares me when I get like this because I know how easy it would be to do that. That's what I have done all my life. What makes it any different now? Because I never want to go back to the way I was again. How do you get your motivation and determination back? For me I have to just pretend to be motivated and determined until I am motivated and determined. How long that will take? I don't know. About a month ago I decided to go back through my blog and read all of my posts from the beginning to the end. It was really interesting to read what I wrote and to see what I was feeling at the time of each post. Some of the posts that I wrote I don't even remember writing them or feeling the feelings I was feeling at that time. It was so surreal. It really puts into perspective of where I was at and where I am now. It made me really appreciate all that I went through and accomplished to get where I am today. I was talking to a friend of mine on Facebook the other day and she was saying that she has lost her motivation and doesn't see the results of her hard work and it's depressing her. Kind of like how I have been feeling. I told her she is doing AMAZING and she needs to believe that when people tell her she looks amazing, fantastic, that they can really see a difference, it's true. Why can't I follow my own advice? It's so easy to say, but so hard to do. Take care my friends and family. Until the next blog.

Is it Easter Already?

Happy Easter everyone. My hope and prayer is that you all had a fabulous Easter celebrating the Resurrection of our Risen Lord. This week has been a very tough week for me. A week ago yesterday my last living grandparent went to be with Jesus. She was a big part of our family for so many years. Even though she was here physically, mentally she was not. As I reflect back on my childhood and my time with her, all I can think of is how lucky and blessed I was and still am to have the family that I have. Yes there have been times that I have wanted to throw everything away and run from my family, but I am truly blessed. They have been there and saw me at my worst and still loved me. My grandmothers death as brought to the for front how fragile and fallible life really is. I haven't been very content with my life and where it is headed since I returned from BLR in January. Yes I have continued to lose weight and all of that, but not at the rate that I have wanted. One week I will lose, the next week I will gain and back and forth. It has been a roller coaster. This week I have really wanted to just pack it in and give up and say I"M DONE. I don't ever want to go back to what my life was a short 9 months ago, but I am tired. I just want this journey to be over. I know, it will never be over. A girl can dream can't she? I still have 3 weeks that I need or get to use at one of the resorts. My first choice obviously would be Malibu, but part of me kind of wants to experience a new change. I don't know though. I am really confused. Part of me doesn't want to go back at all. There has been so much that has happened since I returned home. I miss everyone there but I don't think that it's going to be the same when I return. Sometimes I really wish I could look into the future. Well, I have a follow-up appointment with my Orthopedic surgeon on Thursday. I shall see if he will clear me to even go back to the resort. He might say absolutely not. He might say yes with restrictions or he might say go for it. We will see. My inkling is that he will say yes but with restrictions. Until then my family and friends my hope and prayer is that you are all well and God will bless each and everyone of you abundantly.

Tribute to Edna E. Beedle Williams - Goodbye For Now My Beloved Grandma. You Will Be Missed. August 6, 1917-March 31, 2012

Wow this day has been a long and emotional day for me. It all started Friday afternoon. I called to chat with my mom for a few minutes and she told me that my grandmother was taken to the emergency room again. See for the past several years she has been suffering from Alzheimer's. Her mind has rapidly declined while her body has been so strong. The last few months she has been declining pretty rapidly both mentally and physically. She has been falling and hurting herself really bad for the last few months. So much so that she has had to be rushed to the Emergency Room several times. So when my mom told me she was taken to the Emergency Room again, I just assumed it was because she had fallen again and wasn't too concerned about it. Come to find out it wasn't because of that. She had been throwing up and was kind of leaning to her side a little bit so they rushed her to the hospital. The doctors did some tests on her thinking she might have had a stroke. Well the doctors ruled out a stroke and said that they think she just had a case of the flu and sent her home. My mom and dad were thinking about going up to their property in Priest River for a few days but decided to wait until Saturday morning to leave. Well, about 2:00 Saturday morning my dad gets a call from the Assisted Living place my grandma is living at to let him know they are taking my grandma back to the hospital because she isn't doing very well. She was still throwing up and her body temperature was dropping. When they got her to the hospital and the doctor saw her her blood pressure and body temperature were dropping and her kidneys were starting to shut down, My dad and the doctors talked several times and went over all the options. They all decided that the best thing for her was to make her as comfortable as possible and let her body do it's natural thing. She was 94 years old. At 10:30 am Satuday morning she passed away and went to be with Jesus. She has lived a long and fulfilling life. She had survived so many obstacles in her lifetime. As much as my family and I miss her and wish she was still with us, we are rejoicing in the fact that she has passed on to a better place and is in no more pain. We will see her again one day soon. It's so hard for those that have been left behind to not selfishly want to hold on to your loved ones forever. My cousin was the first one to make it to the hospital to see grandma before she passed. She held her hand and reminisced and read the bible to her while my grandma laid there with her eyes closed listening to her intently. She watched her take her last breath. We all met back at my mom and dads house for lunch after we left the hospital and had a good time reminiscing about "the good ol' days". I have so many fond memories of her and I just hanging out and spending time together. She always had a way of saying just the right words to make you feel better when you were having a hard time. She was such a loving, supportive, attentive, gracious, and generous grandma. God blessed us with such an amazing women that I am so proud to call grandma. She was my last grandparent. That is why I want to selfishly hold on tight to her and not let her go, but I can't do that. She will always have a special spot in my heart. I kind of feel like an orphan now. All I could do today is continuously thank God that I was here at home and not still in California. He knew that this day was coming and I needed to be here for my family and for myself. One thing that has been resinating in my mind today is life is so short and fragile. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow. We need to love those that are close to us and cherish the times we have with each other. Don't let the little things get in the way of spending time with those you love and appreciating them for what and who God made them to be. Hold on to them as tightly as you can and don't let them go until their time to is here. Don't take for granted that they will be here forever because that is just not the case. Don't wait until tomorrow to say I'm sorry or I love you or whatever else you need to say. We are all human and we all make mistakes but don't allow those mistakes to hinder your relationships. Thank you grandma for teaching me to love Jesus, love my family, and to cherish each and every day like it's your last. A little piece of my heart left with you today. You are going to be greatly missed. I love you so very much. Rest in peace my dear grandma. Edna Beedle Williams August 6, 1917-March 31, 2012

Post Surgery Update - Where Has The Time Gone?

Hey family and friends. Sorry it's been so long since I last blogged. It's been a crazy two weeks. Well I had my surgery on Monday, March 12th. It went really well. The surgeon got a bunch of what he called "rocks" out of my knee. They were huge. It was cartilage and bone fragments floating around my knee and really needed to be removed. That was part of why my knee hurt so bad. I went home the same day to my mom and dads for a couple of days. It was really nice having someone take care of me. You won't believe the difference that little procedure did for my knee. I'm still on restrictions but am able to do pretty much all that I want. I'm back working out with my trainer 3 times a week. It's been so nice not having so much pain and being able to walk without my knee killing me. I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeons assistant the following Tuesday, the 19th. It went really well. I got my stitches removed and was released to do minimal exercise. No treadmill, squats, lunges, sidesteps, and absolutely no hills. She also informed me that even though the MRI didn't show it, I did tear my meniscus and the surgeon had to remove a huge defect from it. It really threw me for a loop so to speak. I knew that there was something definitely wrong with my knee but everything that we had done (X-rays, MRI, Synvisc, ect.) didn't either work or show anything wrong. She also mentioned to me that she didn't think that I would ever be able to run or do extreme exercising on this knee again. It really upset me. I felt defeated and discouraged. I am determined to prove her wrong. I have to much to accomplish to let this knee set me back.

A very interesting thing happened to me on the way home from my appointment that day. I have mentioned in the past that I have been thinking about turning this blog into a book. I really haven't done much to pursue that because of insecurities, confidence, etc. My friend Carmen, who works at the resort has a friend that has a small PR firm in California. She has been encouraging me to call him and befriend him on Facebook. A few weeks ago I contacted him and left my name and number for him to contact me. He called me back a couple of weeks ago and left a message for me. I didn't call him back right away because of my surgery and all that but I left a message for him to call me back. Well, he called me on my way home from my appointment. It was really good to talk to him. He was very encouraging and supportive. He said that he would be willing to help me in anyway that I needed him to. I felt really encouraged by the time we got off the phone with each other. I don't know where the next step is going to take me, but I am really excited. I feel so blessed to have the friends and family that I have. God sure has blessed me when it comes to that.

With that said I want to say thank you to all my family and friends that have supported me, encouraged me, prayed for me and loved me through this journey. I could not have done this without you. It has gotten me through some really dark times. May God bless you and comfort you in times of need.

Time Flies When You Let it Fly By.

Wow!!!! It's been almost 2 weeks since my last post. Sorry about that. No excuse for not posting except time got away from me. I had my appointment with my Orthopedic Surgeon on March 1 and the decision that was decided was that I have done pretty much everything I can except cortisone shots to fix my knee and nothing has helped so I am scheduled to have Arthoescopic surgery tomorrow morning. To say that I am not anxious about this would not be truthful. I am so scared, but I also am excited that hopefully this will fix the problem. I have been in pain for so long with this knee that it's going to be so strange to not be. The surgeon did say that this was not a guarantee that it would fix things or even help. I so hope it does.

I have to say that I have been struggling getting in all the exercise in that I need to get in. I have been still seeing my trainer on Monday's, Wednesday's and Friday's. But last week I only saw him on Wednesday and Friday. I was not feeling well on Monday and Tuesday. I need to find something I can do on Tuesday's and Thursdays that will get my calorie burn in that I need to get in.

It seems like so long since I have been at the resort. I feel so disconnected from it and so out of place. Well, I will try to blog more after my surgery tomorrow and give you more of an update on the outcome. Will be resting pretty much for the next week or so and then back to the gym and hopefully hitting it hard to get these last 35-45 pounds off of me. Take care all and thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.